i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
