I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
