1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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