At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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