i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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