Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
