Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
