Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
