He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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