Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
