I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
