i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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