If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
