i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
