Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
