life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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