Plan B is the new Plan A
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
