I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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