Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
