heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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