If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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