Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
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You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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