soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
