her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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