just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
