Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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