Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
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She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.