1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
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I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants