he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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