it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
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After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
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The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.