I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs