he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize