My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
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I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
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And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
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