Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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