i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Found the puke drawer
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
