what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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