I want you more than these girls want KFC
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
