So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
