my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
