You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
