bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
