hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
