I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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