I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
