i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
