Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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