WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
