it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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