My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
