you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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