Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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