Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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