My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
