what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
