i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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