Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
