I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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