I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't deserve a penis
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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