Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
