I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
How external is "for external use only"?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
