i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
