They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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