i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
