some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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