I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
