I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
