Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
