Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
